These few months I have been looking really hard at life and so far I find myself with more questions rather than answers. Firstly, what is the real purpose of going to church? Does the act of going to church means I am a holier person than someone who does not?

Is someone who attends service faithfully every single week but spends the entire time chatting, playing, disturbing people next to them while the pastor is preaching or during altar call a better disciple of God than one who does not? Do people ask others to come just because they wanna keep an eye on them? Is that the real purpose?

So long as u see my face on saturday evening means im praying regularly, on the other 6 days of the week my life is perfect and everything is nice and dandy? I used to think that everyone is imperfect and though the way they put things across is not so nice to some, their intentions are really sincere and pure. But I have questions now.

I am not slamming anyone here. I am merely asking questions that have been burning in my heart. I have seen how selfish people really are. Yes, you can survive in this world without God, but without God, life is so much harder to live. That I can vouch for. The truth is we are called to be dependent on God, but not to the point where we cannot function as proper people with responsibilities.

When God tested Job, if Job was 100% reliant on God, he wouldnt have been able to survive, because during that time, he was on his own.

People tend to think that just because someone has not been coming to church regularly means that person has some problem or has become wayward. That is because they do not have faith in these people. They don't believe what they don't see. So because they have not been going to church, others don't believe that they're ok.

I can be a good example of that. Most of my close friends know that I'm doing fine and I'm just tired of NS, can't wait to get out. I see them every week, talk to them every other day on the phone, MSN etc etc. Hey, I just had brunch with Samski and saw Nicole, her mum and her two adorable little sisters today. Just because some people do not see me they think I got something wrong.

Some people have been on sabbatical from their service. Everyone has issues in their lives. How you deal with it is up to you, and because you know yourself best, and if you don't, God knows. It is better sometimes to take a break so that you can take a step back from what you're so engrossed in doing and look at the bigger picture.

Saying all these, I want to reaffirm my faith in God, in Christ Jesus, and I want everyone to know that I am proud to have a God who has been so faithful to me despite my insecurities, despite my questions, despite my selfishness and stubborn nature.

I will be back in church sooner rather than later, I have tasted God's goodness for the past few years and in the recent months that have gone by, I have tasted the bitterness of this temporal world. In the end, there is only one way to truly enjoy life. It is through sharing the love of Jesus with those that you love, because having experience His goodness, it is only natural that you want those you care about to experience it for themselves.

I've been burnt out, I've been shagged out, I've KOed. Recovery takes time, and I'll take as long as it needs to recover properly, I won't rush anything. And I can't do this alone. I don't need veiled criticisms that attempt to instigate me to a reaction. I need prayer, and I need love. If you can help me out with that, I would be eternally grateful.

Bryan will always be Bryan. The same Bryan that asked Jesus to come into his life one fine december noon, sitting on the steps of the church social hall 8 years ago. I know I would have grew up to be a horrible person had it not been for God who sent an angel and rescued me. I am forever indebted, and I will willingly serve my Lord with all that I am.