Thursday, October 11, 2007

I've just booked out from camp. School of Infantry Weapons so nice, saturday public holiday and we get an off day tomorrow, friday. This is something unheard of in my own unit. Ha, I guess the instructors in the school also wants a long weekend. The best place to be as an army regular is definitely in training schools and institutes. Can go home everyday unless there's outfield of live firing.

Wondering if I should go book my physio again, but I really need to see the doc again and get him to give me a referral for MRI. My ankle is acting up again, now even walking hurts. This is becoming worrying. I just hope it's because my body is not used to going outfield again this week.

Yesterday evening in bunk my friends were having a debate on religion. I've got this friend, B, who likes this very attractive girl, let's call her S. S is a very innocent girl and a very pious and devout Christian. B likes her and wants to be with her very much. But the thing is, he is not a Christian and S told him she cannot be with a non-Christian as much as she likes him.

My friend B then sort of complained to my bunkmates about this, questioning why can't a Christian be with the person they very much like or love. I was sitting in a corner reading my newspaper when they turned to me and asked," Eh Bryan, you're a Christian right?" And that got me dragged into the whole debate.

I may not have been around church for a while but I am a Christian through and through and defending Christ in the face of persecution is something I would not think twice about. A debate about the different religions became a mini attack on my beliefs and fending off accusations and questions and statements that Christianity is very hard to comprehend spent me.

In the end, I told them nicely but firmly that they are looking at Christianity from the outside, and to truly understand how Christians can devote and sacrifice so much of themselves, they need to experience it firsthand. I also told them something that Pastor David once said a long time ago. Christians are not angels or holier than thou beings. They are in fact people who recognize that they are shit without God and thus the church is a place full of shit and shitty people.

I told my friends that being a Christian is a very difficult life to live at times and is a constant struggle, but at the end of it, all the sacrifices are worthwhile and it is with the end in mind that gives us the strength to go on.

Having said that, I recognize that right now I am unable to give up certain worldly ideals and possessions. It is a continual struggle between spirit and flesh, and I have to say honestly that the flesh currently has the upper hand. I'm not someone who believes in the Chinese idiom "the boat will straighten naturally when it reaches the bridge". Proactive action has to be taken to correct the incorrect.

It is a mighty task, but having defended my Lord yesterday, albeit a tiny debate, it reminded me once again of who I really am ultimately: an ugly, ugly person who only God finds beautiful despite all my imperfections.

And before I forget, here's a very Happy Happy Birthday to a very special friend of mine. =)






HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHELLE TAY:p

Sunday, October 7, 2007

These few months I have been looking really hard at life and so far I find myself with more questions rather than answers. Firstly, what is the real purpose of going to church? Does the act of going to church means I am a holier person than someone who does not?

Is someone who attends service faithfully every single week but spends the entire time chatting, playing, disturbing people next to them while the pastor is preaching or during altar call a better disciple of God than one who does not? Do people ask others to come just because they wanna keep an eye on them? Is that the real purpose?

So long as u see my face on saturday evening means im praying regularly, on the other 6 days of the week my life is perfect and everything is nice and dandy? I used to think that everyone is imperfect and though the way they put things across is not so nice to some, their intentions are really sincere and pure. But I have questions now.

I am not slamming anyone here. I am merely asking questions that have been burning in my heart. I have seen how selfish people really are. Yes, you can survive in this world without God, but without God, life is so much harder to live. That I can vouch for. The truth is we are called to be dependent on God, but not to the point where we cannot function as proper people with responsibilities.

When God tested Job, if Job was 100% reliant on God, he wouldnt have been able to survive, because during that time, he was on his own.

People tend to think that just because someone has not been coming to church regularly means that person has some problem or has become wayward. That is because they do not have faith in these people. They don't believe what they don't see. So because they have not been going to church, others don't believe that they're ok.

I can be a good example of that. Most of my close friends know that I'm doing fine and I'm just tired of NS, can't wait to get out. I see them every week, talk to them every other day on the phone, MSN etc etc. Hey, I just had brunch with Samski and saw Nicole, her mum and her two adorable little sisters today. Just because some people do not see me they think I got something wrong.

Some people have been on sabbatical from their service. Everyone has issues in their lives. How you deal with it is up to you, and because you know yourself best, and if you don't, God knows. It is better sometimes to take a break so that you can take a step back from what you're so engrossed in doing and look at the bigger picture.

Saying all these, I want to reaffirm my faith in God, in Christ Jesus, and I want everyone to know that I am proud to have a God who has been so faithful to me despite my insecurities, despite my questions, despite my selfishness and stubborn nature.

I will be back in church sooner rather than later, I have tasted God's goodness for the past few years and in the recent months that have gone by, I have tasted the bitterness of this temporal world. In the end, there is only one way to truly enjoy life. It is through sharing the love of Jesus with those that you love, because having experience His goodness, it is only natural that you want those you care about to experience it for themselves.

I've been burnt out, I've been shagged out, I've KOed. Recovery takes time, and I'll take as long as it needs to recover properly, I won't rush anything. And I can't do this alone. I don't need veiled criticisms that attempt to instigate me to a reaction. I need prayer, and I need love. If you can help me out with that, I would be eternally grateful.

Bryan will always be Bryan. The same Bryan that asked Jesus to come into his life one fine december noon, sitting on the steps of the church social hall 8 years ago. I know I would have grew up to be a horrible person had it not been for God who sent an angel and rescued me. I am forever indebted, and I will willingly serve my Lord with all that I am.
Bryan is currently attending the 156/07 Active GPMG Commanders' Course at School of Infantry Weapons

And what a week it has been at SIW, Pasir Laba Camp. Four nights off in the week and a Friday bookout at 1800 hours. Life in the infantry seems so.... tempting. Welfare is key. The course commander is a cannot make it warrant officer, the course warrant is a very nice Malay master sergeant who seems eager to please, and the fellow trainees are all nice people, be it 2SIR, 3SIR, 6SIR, 1 Guards, 3 Guards, even Navy. Just that one irritating staff sergeant from OCS.

For Pete's sake, you are a fellow trainee just like us, not an instructor. This is not OCS, we are not officer cadet trainees, so please stop shouting at us, asking us if we're not interested. Some people just make it so easy to be public enemy no. 1. Anyway, the course itself is not anything new, given I've learned the GPMG during my leader course. But that is not to say I am a master of it. Quite far off la. I am such a slacker and I think I performed one of the worst during the technical handling test.

I'll be there until 16 Oct. It'll be back to Hendon Camp and straightaway it'll be either continuous guard duty again or standby duty, confined in camp. :( I do ask myself sometimes, besides the pride in being a commando, what else is there? Is it really worth going through so much more than my peers just for that 1 second where people go 'wah, commando sia'? The more I think of it, the more I think it ain't worth it. I am a conscript soldier, I didn't choose to be a soldier. So you can't blame me for thinking like a civilian trapped in the military. If they increase my pay by 100% then maybe I won't be complaining haha.

Anyway, ORD is coming soon la. Just 7 more months, slightly more than a semester to go thinking in school terms. This Wednesday's payday, many guys in Singapore would be smiling..