R.I.P.

I've been having trouble sleeping well recently. My sleep is full of dreams which I can vaguely remember when I wake up, but yet I feel so tired after that. Maybe I've been sleep-deprived for two years that now when I get to sleep 8 to 9 hours, my body just cannot accept that? Sleep is really a disease. But I think it is in my genes. Or my habits.

Even though most of my previous posts since 2002 have been deleted, I can remember what I typed in those entries, and I cringe each time I recall myself typing into this box what I did for the day, what I want to buy, what I want to do etc etc. It is just so.... I dunno. Like who the hell is interested in your boring life right, when everyone else is probably doing the same.

But blogs are interesting to read, as a whole. It helps you to understand people a little better, both on the macro and micro side of things. From reading blogs, I have learnt a few things.

First, is that people crave attention. It's the truth. It is a well-publicised fact that blogs are NOT diaries, so people who say that their blogs are 'private' are in actual fact living in denial. There is no place more public than the WWW. Everyone wants attention, but not everyone seeks it openly, and not everyone wants attention for fame or popularity. It is just a basic human need to be noticed, to be heard, to be cherished, to be respected.

Secondly, everyone of us has some creative ability. Though in primary and secondary school, I dunno about JC, we complain about having to write compositions or essays, everyone loves to write a good piece. There is like some inner author or journalist in us. It is our way of painting a picture of the world through our eyes. Everyone has their own opinion on the same topic. Of course, topics with three capital letters seem to be the most popular ones in this part of Southeast Asia. PAP, ERP, GST, CPF, HDB and of course for me, SAF.

Next, I think most people type lots of stuff only to not publish them eventually. Maybe they type posts in anger, in bitterness, and after cooling down realised that their posts are too strongly worded. Or some just type and type and in the end just lose interest in it. Just like me now. I'm suffering from the after effects of yet another night of disturbed sleep, looking at the screen with bloodshot eyes and gigantic eyebags, typing on my pretty little MacBook with fingers with overgrown nails, and suddenly I feel like crawling back in bed and staying there.

I need a good sleep. Is there something called sleep therapy? Or maybe I just need my army bunk. Maybe my room is too clean with no flies and mosquitoes flying around. But I dun think so. My bunk in camp is air-conditioned. No flies or mosquitoes. Damn, why can't I just REST IN PEACE???!!!

ORD Company, Masok Baris!

I can't wait to hear this command. On 2 May, this command will be given and I will be proudly marching into the Commando parade square in my No. 1 dress, in front of my family and loved ones. Yes, the journey is coming to an end. Many people would be wondering what have I been doing these past few months since my last entry. Let me just do a quick recap.

I booked into camp on Christmas Day night because there was training the next day. Booked out 2 days later for the New Year holidays, and booked in again on New Year's Day night. Then, I was confined in camp for 1 week doing standby duty. Anything happened at key installations in Singapore, 1st Commando will move out within 2 hours.

After that, we had preparations for the upcoming ATEC, and ATEC Stage 1 itself at the end of January. February was a month of administrative work in camp, and of course there was a company off day on my birthday, so I celebrated it once again the way I did last year, with the same special person. :p then I attended a security course on installation protection for one week, and after that it was a few days of off before flying off to Thailand.

Now Thailand is one hot place. We were based in this area called Kanchanaburi, near the border with Myanmmar. The first few nights there was freezing cold, and the afternoons were unbearably hot. But then the nights became hot as well, and many people were taking up to 6 or 7 baths everyday. Bathing there, I had to use a scoop and pour water. Even most of the toilets do not have proper flushes. Must pour water into it.

But well, I have just came back from spending a month there, so the last thing I want to do is talk about Thailand. I'm on the verge of getting myself a Macbook, but every Apple retailer seems to be sold out. So I called Apple this morning and ordered one from them directly. Now I just need to print out some forms and fax it back and I'll get my new lappie in 2 days. As I type this, I'm negotiating with my mummy to sponsor part of the cost. I'm going to school starting this wednesday for 2 bridging courses in Econs and Maths. The exam's in June and if I pass it, I will go directly to Year 2. Anyway, some pictures from Thailand..

Christmas Time

This year's christmas was quite normal. Maybe it's because I'm still serving my national service, so in the back of my head there's always the nagging thought of army related stuff. Can't really enjoy and immerse myself into the festive mood. But nonetheless it is still one of the high points of the year 2007, because i'm only 4 pay days away from my ord haha.

This may look like it's at some resort..

But it's actually my front porch

My mama did everything, well I help arranged the chairs :)

One of the side tables

The 'kids' table

Buffet spread waiting to be served

Putting the finishing touches to the Christmas tree..

All the presents in, ready to start our Christmas Eve party



Cousins

Shy Ethan who promptly went and hid in my room after eating



Everyone seems intriqued by the head massager





25 years old..... 20 years ago haha. Ageing gracefully



Everyone's favourite event - Opening presents time









Christmas Day Service



My favourite girl

Evelyn has been the only person who has given me a Christmas card without fail EVERY SINGLE CHRISTMAS. Whether or not we see each other frequently, chat or meet up, she has never failed to be one of my bestest friends. This year, we have probably spoken about 20 sentences between us, with her being in Aussie for studies. Last year I got 20 over cards. This year? Just 2, from her and Nicole. Know what's a great friend? I do. =)

Merry Christmas & Happy 2008! God bless!!!

Bryan Shifts Upstairs

I was supposed to be back in camp last night, but because of the 'bruising' encounter with the chinese sinseh last friday, my right ankle looks like a luohan fish, and last night I visited the ang moh doctor for muscle relaxant and painkillers. Along with the weekend consultation fee was of course an MC for the following day.

Spent the day doing pretty much nothing until I decided that my room has too much junk and too little space. This began the process of shifting the entire contents of my room to the attic. My mum saw me packing my room and got the maid to help me. Managed to get most of my room less my study desk and wardrobe up through the tiny door and stairwell.

It's nice to be up here, almost like my very own studio apartment. Looking forward to having a wonderful Christmas this season. Can't be bothered to be bothered by army stuff. It's gonna be over in four months, so why worry and fret? Guard duty? Do lor, got four more months to tekan only mah, just suck it up lor. Very little or no nights off? Never mind lor, in four months every night is a nights off.

Time to go bathe, have my dinner and medicine and prepare to go to camp. Will be out on friday afternoon. :p


My mum is gonna convert my old room into a study room or guest room


The staircase leading to the attic, my new space


View from the staircase leading up


Stairway to heaven? Not quite but good enough for me :)


On the left, my den with a sofa, carpet and tv


The den, with wires and pillows everywhere




The bedroom

On The Verge

Ever since returning to Hendon Camp upon the completion of my GPMG Commander Course at Pasir Laba Camp, things hasn't been as rosy. Firstly, I am on long-term medical status, which means I can't participate in most activities in camp. Secondly, the next few months is the most busy period for commandos and yet here I am doing nothing everyday.

My peers are slogging it out in the field and I am in the comfort of my bed in my air-con bunk - yes you read correctly, my commando bunk has TWO air-cons - and I am travelling weekly to Selarang Physiotheraphy Centre and Tan Tock Seng Hospital. The sucky part is of course this being a weekly affair, I am in and out of camp at certain points of the day. People see they of course buay song, they feel why they are suffering and here I am booking out.

That one I still can accept because if it was me looking on at someone else in my predicament, I would probably stir his shit as well. But now, the company HQ are having doubts about the authencity of my medical appointments and physio session. This is simply outrageous. My f***ing CSM demands to see my appointment card everytime now and just now, I buay tahan and I really gave him a piece of my mind.

Ya talking back to your sergeant major is not the best thing to do, especially when there are a lot of problems now with the guard duty roster. But being a sergeant of the company, the least he can do is trust me. No basic trust, no mutual respect. And how am I suppose to continue in this unit if my superiors doesn't have confidence in me?

I have no doubt about my ability as a soldier, and with adequate training, I can be as fit as anyone else once again. The thing is, am I still given a chance to carry on with my rehabilitation without hindrance so as to ensure a speedy and full recovery as soon as possible so I can join back and contribute?

Don't believe all that bullshit about commandos are a tightly-bounded fratenity. Balls. They are your brothers as long as you are fit and healthy. The moment you fall down, they can't wait to see the back of you. I have seen too many people already being cut and having their red berets revoked. My OC even told me he can't keep me in the company for too long if I can't contribute because I am eating into the budget.

Wtf right. Just because I can't contribute physically for the next couple of months, all my hard work for the past 1 and a half years are being threatened to be erased from the memory of Bravo Coy 07/06, 2nd Coy 07/08. Incredulous, so those boys out there who think that joining commando for ur NS is gonna be fun, think again.

For Honour & Glory? My a**.

I've just booked out from camp. School of Infantry Weapons so nice, saturday public holiday and we get an off day tomorrow, friday. This is something unheard of in my own unit. Ha, I guess the instructors in the school also wants a long weekend. The best place to be as an army regular is definitely in training schools and institutes. Can go home everyday unless there's outfield of live firing.

Wondering if I should go book my physio again, but I really need to see the doc again and get him to give me a referral for MRI. My ankle is acting up again, now even walking hurts. This is becoming worrying. I just hope it's because my body is not used to going outfield again this week.

Yesterday evening in bunk my friends were having a debate on religion. I've got this friend, B, who likes this very attractive girl, let's call her S. S is a very innocent girl and a very pious and devout Christian. B likes her and wants to be with her very much. But the thing is, he is not a Christian and S told him she cannot be with a non-Christian as much as she likes him.

My friend B then sort of complained to my bunkmates about this, questioning why can't a Christian be with the person they very much like or love. I was sitting in a corner reading my newspaper when they turned to me and asked," Eh Bryan, you're a Christian right?" And that got me dragged into the whole debate.

I may not have been around church for a while but I am a Christian through and through and defending Christ in the face of persecution is something I would not think twice about. A debate about the different religions became a mini attack on my beliefs and fending off accusations and questions and statements that Christianity is very hard to comprehend spent me.

In the end, I told them nicely but firmly that they are looking at Christianity from the outside, and to truly understand how Christians can devote and sacrifice so much of themselves, they need to experience it firsthand. I also told them something that Pastor David once said a long time ago. Christians are not angels or holier than thou beings. They are in fact people who recognize that they are shit without God and thus the church is a place full of shit and shitty people.

I told my friends that being a Christian is a very difficult life to live at times and is a constant struggle, but at the end of it, all the sacrifices are worthwhile and it is with the end in mind that gives us the strength to go on.

Having said that, I recognize that right now I am unable to give up certain worldly ideals and possessions. It is a continual struggle between spirit and flesh, and I have to say honestly that the flesh currently has the upper hand. I'm not someone who believes in the Chinese idiom "the boat will straighten naturally when it reaches the bridge". Proactive action has to be taken to correct the incorrect.

It is a mighty task, but having defended my Lord yesterday, albeit a tiny debate, it reminded me once again of who I really am ultimately: an ugly, ugly person who only God finds beautiful despite all my imperfections.

And before I forget, here's a very Happy Happy Birthday to a very special friend of mine. =)






HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHELLE TAY:p

These few months I have been looking really hard at life and so far I find myself with more questions rather than answers. Firstly, what is the real purpose of going to church? Does the act of going to church means I am a holier person than someone who does not?

Is someone who attends service faithfully every single week but spends the entire time chatting, playing, disturbing people next to them while the pastor is preaching or during altar call a better disciple of God than one who does not? Do people ask others to come just because they wanna keep an eye on them? Is that the real purpose?

So long as u see my face on saturday evening means im praying regularly, on the other 6 days of the week my life is perfect and everything is nice and dandy? I used to think that everyone is imperfect and though the way they put things across is not so nice to some, their intentions are really sincere and pure. But I have questions now.

I am not slamming anyone here. I am merely asking questions that have been burning in my heart. I have seen how selfish people really are. Yes, you can survive in this world without God, but without God, life is so much harder to live. That I can vouch for. The truth is we are called to be dependent on God, but not to the point where we cannot function as proper people with responsibilities.

When God tested Job, if Job was 100% reliant on God, he wouldnt have been able to survive, because during that time, he was on his own.

People tend to think that just because someone has not been coming to church regularly means that person has some problem or has become wayward. That is because they do not have faith in these people. They don't believe what they don't see. So because they have not been going to church, others don't believe that they're ok.

I can be a good example of that. Most of my close friends know that I'm doing fine and I'm just tired of NS, can't wait to get out. I see them every week, talk to them every other day on the phone, MSN etc etc. Hey, I just had brunch with Samski and saw Nicole, her mum and her two adorable little sisters today. Just because some people do not see me they think I got something wrong.

Some people have been on sabbatical from their service. Everyone has issues in their lives. How you deal with it is up to you, and because you know yourself best, and if you don't, God knows. It is better sometimes to take a break so that you can take a step back from what you're so engrossed in doing and look at the bigger picture.

Saying all these, I want to reaffirm my faith in God, in Christ Jesus, and I want everyone to know that I am proud to have a God who has been so faithful to me despite my insecurities, despite my questions, despite my selfishness and stubborn nature.

I will be back in church sooner rather than later, I have tasted God's goodness for the past few years and in the recent months that have gone by, I have tasted the bitterness of this temporal world. In the end, there is only one way to truly enjoy life. It is through sharing the love of Jesus with those that you love, because having experience His goodness, it is only natural that you want those you care about to experience it for themselves.

I've been burnt out, I've been shagged out, I've KOed. Recovery takes time, and I'll take as long as it needs to recover properly, I won't rush anything. And I can't do this alone. I don't need veiled criticisms that attempt to instigate me to a reaction. I need prayer, and I need love. If you can help me out with that, I would be eternally grateful.

Bryan will always be Bryan. The same Bryan that asked Jesus to come into his life one fine december noon, sitting on the steps of the church social hall 8 years ago. I know I would have grew up to be a horrible person had it not been for God who sent an angel and rescued me. I am forever indebted, and I will willingly serve my Lord with all that I am.